A modest proposal: an extreme green Valentine

The day is upon us.

The annual homage to St. Valentine thrills millions, but this is when I go into one-day winter hibernation. As a pragmatic sort of female, I'm not especially prone to romantic swooning or succumbing to the pink-festooned blandishments of Valentine's marketers.

Instead, every February 14, I go around scowling at perky salesgirls armed with perfume atomizers, blowing out candles at romantic restaurants, and watching action flicks in the dark of my living room.

Don't mistake me: I'm not entirely without a sentimental streak. Rather, romance to me should be spread like fertilizer on topsoil throughout the year, rather than having it dumped ceremoniously on a single day. Plus, these yearly demands for a tangible reassurance of affection seem, well, suspect in these environmentally sensitive times.

Has that rose bouquet lain in a bed of pesticide? Did the chocolate flourish by clear-cutting habitats of twittering birds and hissing reptiles? I'm not even going to get into non-recyclable Mylar balloons and politically conflicted diamonds (and how schlocky that Leonardo DiCaprio movie was).

Surely I'm not the only one who warms hearing her love's declaration, "I'm not getting you anything for Valentine's Day." Still, eco-psycho as I may sound, I grudgingly see the desire for a heart's spring thaw. So, I present to you three, bold, outside-the-gift-box ideas to celebrate this day:

Clean out the garage
Or fix the gurgling toilet. Or donate those Hooters T-shirts, stat.

Chances are, your beloved has been hounding you about that environmental cesspool of undone deeds. History (or at least the History Channel) may back you up, as the ancient Romans "ritually cleansed" homes in February.

In one fell swoop (or over a series of weekends), you can express your devotion, restore harmony, and wrangle a tax donation receipt out of the whole venture.

Recycle your exes
Probably a very compelling reason exists as to why your former love interest(s) is (are) in the past tense. Then again, you always hear tales of reunited high school sweethearts... and haven't your years of hard-fought romances put true love into perspective?

Besides the very meta-nature of this romantic philosophy, contemplate the savings: A second go-around cuts down on the flowers, cards, and other courtship fripperies. You've already seen each other at your best and your worst, so you can skip the extraneous wooing process and go right into hard-core relationship.

And yes, after a five-year breakup, ex-boyfriend number four and I have been wed for nearly six years now. Savings so far in avoiding divorce proceedings: priceless.

From dust to diamonds
Who says romance is dead? Well, actually, a mortal coil can be used to immortalize your eternal love.

The Illinois-based LifeGem "captures” the carbon from cremains to create a diamond -- anyone from great-aunt Bertha to your late Rottweiler Peaches.

A six-foot body can produce about a 100 stones, but if you'd prefer not to have the Grim Reaper be your ring bearer, a lock of hair will do. Make that a fistful, just to be safe: According to Dean VandenBiesen, one of the LifeGem founders, five grams can yield three one-carat diamonds.

Nursing a rock, however, takes anywhere from six months to a year depending on carat size. You'll have to wait until next year to give this gift -- but now you have some time to cultivate maximum hair crop.